Still Going and Going and Going

The Unexpected

When I started this Journey of mine I wanted to get to 70 pounds down. I am past that now, hitting 233.5 pounds today. I will call it 70 pounds for now as my weight will bob up and down slightly as I continue to lose and a true weight is an illusion… So 70 pounds.

Months ago I adjusted the goal to 210 pounds, or 95 pounds total so I still have 25 or so to go….

I expected to feel better and to fit in my clothes better. I expected the compliments on the loss and the questions about how I did it. I expected to be very happy about it. And all of this has come to be.

The unexpected:

I didn’t expect my shoe size to change. I went from a size 11.5 EE to 11.5 D.

I didn’t expect my hat size to change. My Western Hat, always a bit snug, now rests on my ears.

I didn’t expect to almost lose my wedding band because it is so loose on me now.

I didn’t expect my office chair to feel so HUGE.

I never thought about my shoes size or hat size, or having the find a new position behind the wheel of my car. All quite unexpected, but all very welcome.

Changes and Planning

Today was a long, long day at work, 12 plus hours and right before a three-day weekend. Lovely. Inventory day. I hate it.

In the “old Days” I would have stopped at Wendy’s n the way home to have dinner. A Wendy’s double with bacon and cheese and a large order of fries….

It just isn’t the old days anymore now is it?

I waited until I got home, I had three veggie burgers on two deli thin breads with a slice of tomato, ultra thin sliced cheese (their name for it, not mine) and a little hot sauce. Ok, I lied, a LOT of hot sauce….. 650 calories all in. Very satisfied.

I really like the way I feel about food now.

We are bringing some veggie burgers with us to the cookout just in case…. I am sure the salmon will be wonderful.. Just being prepared in case we are hungry before or after…. It will help ward off the temptation to eat the wrong foods.

I am going to keep a mental count of how many people tell me it is ok to cheat and have some of the great foods my brother will prepare. It should be fun. The early line is 10-15 people. Remember, this cookout has 100 plus people attending.

It is going to be a wonderful time. I am excited to see my brother and his family.

Sunday afternoon I hope to get in a quick 20 mile ride and on Monday a 30-40 mile ride. I am pushing myself to do a Century sometime this fall (cyclist-speak for a 100 mile ride).

Have you ever done something and KNOWN for 100% certainty that it was something that would last? That is how I feel about the changes in my life. I KNOW that this is the way I will live for the rest of my life; active, lean, good diet, healthy living, never fat again. NEVER.

This is a great place to be.

Can you tell my mood is back to the light?

Peace

Daily Fitbit stats

My fitbit #fitstats for 5/24/2012: 11,455 steps and 6.3 miles traveled. http://www.fitbit.com/user/22GGTK

Just about 5 Months in….

Reflections on the Journey

On Sunday it will be 5 months since I started this Journey.

5 months.

69 pounds

In 5 months.

It certainly sets no new records for weight loss but it is still a pretty good pace I think

I am thinking back.

It seems like a life time ago and it seems like yesterday.

5 months.

I don’t know if I can put in to words what the last five months have meant to me. It seems almost impossible that I have come this far this fast. Not just the weight loss. That has been important and it was the primary focus of the Journey from the start. 69 pounds. One pound from my original goal of 70 pounds. And yet somehow the weight loss has become secondary to the other changes in my life over the last 5 months.

When I started this Journey I knew I would learn about myself and that some of what I would learn I would not be happy about. That has certainly proven true. I thought I might find out some good things about myself as well and I am pleased to say that this has proven true as well.

I would not have guessed when I started this that I would give up red meat and not miss it. I would not have guessed that the near vegetarian life style we are living would feel so natural and comfortable. I would not have guessed that I would once again become an avid cyclist or that not exercising would be more of a burden to me than the exercise itself.

I would not have guessed that I would grow calmer and more focused.

I think that I am most pleased that the most surprising discovery on the Journey was finding a me that I really like.

The Darkness has lifted… for now

My mood in my personal life has lifted. I am feeling very good now. I know that I must seem like a roller coaster to some but it really isn’t all that bad. I go through these moods. They linger and then lift…

The only thing dampening my spirits is this nearly unrelenting gray weather.. Rain again today.

The weekend promises to be beautiful with the exception of scattered storms on Sunday. I will ride Sunday afternoon if weather permits. I will absolutely ride Monday…

As the mood lifts so do my ambitions.

Chatting with one of my oldest friends, a fellow I met first day of college who is perhaps my closest friend, I told him I am not sure I want to stop at 210. I am thinking that 200 has a nice sound to it. I like the idea of 205 because it would mean 100 pounds lost. And if I am that close to 200, that close to the ideal weight for my frame…. I may as well go for it. Well, let’s get to 210 first right?

High Point Monument, High Point NJ

I am setting for myself an outlandish goal. I want to ride the length of the State of New Jersey. High Point to Cape May. 260 miles. I would do it over the course of 3 or 4 days.

Cape May Light House at Sunset. (thank you Tripdvisor)

 

A century ride in the middle… I am setting next summer as the time. I am giving myself a year to get ready.

I am doing 30 mile rides. I will soon do 40 and 50 mile rides. If I can string 75 mile rides 4 days in a row…..

Well that is  High Point to Cape May and then some….If I can do 75-100-85…. That makes it a three-day ride….

I can do it. I just have to make it a goal and train accordingly… Now to find someone to ride with….. NI??

5 months ago I wanted to not be winded walking up the stairs to bed. 5 months ago I wanted to be able to bend over and tie my shows without trouble breathing because my gut was in the way. 5 months ago I was 305 pounds and so out of shape that I thought a mile walked on the track was a significant accomplishment.

In one year I want to ride High Point to Cape May.

I will never go back to what I was 5 months ago.

In a year I want to say that about how I am today.

I waited a long time to find me. I am not about to lose track again….

Peace

Daily Fitbit stats

My fitbit #fitstats for 5/23/2012: 13,652 steps and 7.5 miles traveled. http://www.fitbit.com/user/22GGTK

All this and the Sunshine Breaking Through

Life moves on. We mourn and we grieve and then life moves along and it is back to work, back to the stress, back to life….

Here Comes the Cookout!

So tomorrow is Thursday.

Fantastic!

Because that means it is two more days to the cookout at my brothers and I am looking forward to it as I have not in years!

It is always a joy for me. Seeing my brother in his glory, hosting a cookout for over 100 people, seeing my sister-in-law and the nephews and the niece and their respective better halves.

I get to talk cooking with my nephew the Chef, sports with my Nephew the Sports Management Masters candidate, and I get to kid around with my niece, the all-around All-America girl. I see people I see only this one time each year and we catch up and there is usually much merriment and laughter and singing.

My voice went south a long time ago but I still try to sing along. I try not to hurt anyone’s ears to badly.

The odd thing is that I am bringing what I bring every year: My special marinated skirt steak. There are people who wait all year for the cookout so they can get in line for the skirt steak. I say it is odd because this is the first year I won’t be eating any of it. Nor will I enjoy my brothers special smoked ribs, or hamburgers or hotdogs…

I will find something to eat I am sure but for the first time I am more interested in the company and the conversation than the food. I don’t eat red meat so the beef and pork dishes hold little interest for me. And I will pass on my brothers excellent chili.

The enjoyment for me now comes from the camaraderie and good people enjoying each other’s company. I no longer feel the need to hide behind the food.

Slowly the Mood begins to lift

I can feel my mood beginning to lift. Maybe it is the anticipation of the cookout, maybe it is the improving weather. It might be the movement of issues at work.. It may be a combination of all that or it may have nothing at all to do with any of it. All I know is I am feeling a bit better about everything today and I can see a shift in my mood. This is as it always is.

I am looking forward to a nice long ride on Monday. Looks like I will be going alone. I want to stretch the ride from 30 miles to 40. I am planning to play on MapMyRide.com tonight to see how I can stretch it out without adding a KILLER hill. I KNOW I am not ready for that hill. It isn’t all that long but it is the type that cars struggle with. It would make for an easy 5 mile stretch of the ride but I really want to avoid it.

See this is what happens when the mood lifts. I get excited about things again. Manic on a small scale I suppose….

On Riding and Being alone on the wheels

I have mentioned this before. I really don’t mind riding alone. As keenly focused on the ride and traffic and cars and car doors and glass on the road and potholes and hazards innumerable that I am I find that my mind can wander and think and dream and enjoy the intense focus of the ride. I block out the discomforts, I zone in on the cadence of the ride. I feel the legs cranking smoothly and steadily. I can challenge myself to conquer the next hill, take the flats a bit faster, maintain a higher average speed and I can do this all while a part of my mind takes in the view, the aromas, the sounds….

I love the background music that is the whir of the wheels on the pavement, the freewheel clicking, light jangle of the chain.. I can’t wait to be on the saddle and out on the road.

Peace

Daily Fitbit stats

My fitbit #fitstats for 5/22/2012: 6,977 steps and 4 miles traveled. http://www.fitbit.com/user/22GGTK

A short note.

A short post today.

Despite the temptations today, I was good, I ate lightly and only foods within the scope that I want to eat.

It was a sad day, attending the funeral of a relative. It was also a day to reflect on the positives. I have a loving family, good and loving siblings, good and dedicated friends.

I am healthy and fit for the first time in many years.

I am happy for the most part.

Life is good in most ways that matter.

I am still fighting with the Black Dog, but I am seeing a lighter mood ahead.

Thanks for stopping by.

Peace.

Daily Fitbit stats

My fitbit #fitstats for 5/21/2012: 7,140 steps and 3.9 miles traveled. http://www.fitbit.com/user/22GGTK

Black Dog and Blank Verse

The Black Dog

Today is a bad day for me.

Stress is all around and my mood has set to darkness.

Work has been hell the last two weeks and personality clashes and different approaches are causing a tempest to blow.

On the personal front, a passing in the family has left me sad and thinking back to my childhood and happier and easier times.

I am reminded just how spread-out my siblings are. Two on the west coast, one in the mid-Atlantic. Me still here in the northeast.

This all combines to set me in to what Winston Churchill called “The Black Dog”..

It is something that will pass. The weather contributes as it is raining today and has rained much of the day.

The temptation is to ease my depression with food. That was always the way in the past. It didn’t work, but at least I was full and the sleep that being full brought on was at least a refuge.

I don’t allow that now. I won’t, I can’t hide in food.

It can be bitterly difficult to fight this off sometimes. The emotional brain cries out for a PB&J or a half-dozen chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk. Can’t and won’t.

I had 3 light meal today. I will have a light snack.

I will fight the mood with funny movies, internet jokes, the love of my family and the comfort of my friends.

I will not lose the fight with food.

It is not as Easy as it Looks.

This never really gets easy. It can become routine, but never easy. Moods, high and low, will drive over eating. Inattention. Complacency. Stupidity.

It never gets easy.

This is driven home to me today as I battle my internal demons. I know that I get pretty smug about the weight loss . To some this has looked easy. They saw me five months ago and I was 300+. Now I am in the 230′s and it seems it was easy. It is never easy.

If they see me in five more months I will still be fighting the war. I will still fight every day to not have the doughnut, the extra piece of turkey, the second helping of quinoa, the PB&J…

When my mother died I ate like I was three people. I wanted the feeling of being full all the time, as if I was honoring her by eating everything in sight. I gained 15 pounds. When we lost our father, I gained another 15.

Food as a bandage for the wounded soul.

Stress at work has always been smothered in an avalanche of pizza, dim sum, cookies, cakes….

It never gets easy.

It doesn’t even become much easier.

Keep reminding myself: I never want to be fat again.. Don’t give in and don’t give up.

Reflections of Life

Dealing with The Black Dog is not that unlike my Journey to fitness and weight loss. It is not just “willpower” with the weight loss and it is not just being grateful for all the good things in my life. I wish it was that simple.

If simply reflecting on what is good worked then I would never be in the dark places of my mind. I am nothing if not prone to reflection. But that is intellectual and this is emotional and the two tend to argue and agree to disagree. I can intellectualize the reasons I should be UP and I can count them off, plot them on a chart, list them in chronological order, give each blessing a ranking and weight it on a scale.. It won’t help lift me out of the well.

That comes with time.

That comes with laughing, forcing the smile, pushing myself past the curtain.

This may take a while…

Blank Verse

Reasons

I know what you hide behind your angel plastered walls and the songs that echo along the way and the lyrics that disguise the truth. I know the time that you spend in darkness, carefully cloaked against the light. I understand the reasons and I have helped you in your lies.

I know the paths that you have marked in code along the body cobbled alleyways and the secrets that the doorways hold and the muffled sounds within. I know the places that you go when hiding away is what you need. I understand your reasons and have sworn in blood to your alibis.

I know the lies that make up the only truths in your decorated existence, and the way you have painted the pictures that form your gilded life. I know you still see the images you have covered over with the smoke and the resins of the bridges you have burned. I know the reasons and I helped you start the fires.

You know the reasons that I hide behind these brick and mortar walls and build for me carefully constructed lies.  You know my reasons and you keep them hidden for me.

Peace

Daily Fitbit stats

My fitbit #fitstats for 5/20/2012: 12,450 steps and 6.9 miles traveled. http://www.fitbit.com/user/22GGTK