On a Rainy Wednesday in April

Thoughts Today

Dad, 19-20 years old, waiting tables in the Catskill Mountains

Twenty-one years ago today, my world was shattered when my mentor, friend, adviser, guide, Father died suddenly.

I have not gone a single day since where I have not missed his counsel and company.  My siblings and I had a good father; a man of love, laughter, compassion and understanding, a gentle but firm hand to guide us, a willingness to let us succeed or fail on our own, and the hand to lift us up when we fell.  He was a man of uncommon warmth, humor, and intelligence.

We knew at the time that he was one of the really good ones.  I hope he knew.  The best compliment I have ever been paid was being told that I am like my father.

I will go out to the Cemetery in Queens today to visit Mom and Dad.  I am not a religious person; I don’t think they can actually hear me or that they are sitting on high watching over my family.  I will talk to them.  I’ll tell them I miss them.  I will tell them about the family, my job, my life.  It isn’t for them.  It is for me.  It will serve to relieve some of the internal pressure I feel from the loss of my parents.

My Journey and the Influence of my Father.

My father had one big blind spot.  His health.  He neglected it terribly.

He was a smoker.  He was overweight.  He didn’t exercise.  He ignored the doctor’s advice.

Dad was six-feet tall and carried probably 45-50 pounds more on his frame than he should have.  A heart attack when he was forty-three should have been a wakeup call, but it wasn’t long term.  When he was in his thirties and the doctor told him he had high cholesterol it should have been a wakeup call, but it wasn’t.

It is my father’s medical history, the high weight, the type two diabetes, the heart disease, that more than any single factor was the wakeup call for me.  I got to be MUCH heavier than my father ever was.  I peaked at 320 pounds.  I started to exercise, changed my approach to food, lost 120 pounds, became a vegetarian (I am still), became a cyclist, became extremely fit.

I got down to 200 and I maintained it for a good amount of time.  The weight crept up some, I was 230 pounds the day the SUV hit me.  That started a long decline for me.  Overall, I am not in a good place right now with my health.  Cholesterol is border line, weight climbed to nearly 280 pounds, resting heart rate climbed, and I am disturbingly close to type two diabetes.

A day like today, the anniversary of my father’s passing at the age of 64, reminds me of the promises I made to myself, my family, the memory of my father.  I am not going to go down that path.  I am not going to neglect my health, my physical and mental wellbeing.  I am back down to 255 pounds.  MUCH higher than I want it to be but still a loss of 24 pounds from my most recent peak.  I am walking, with the improving weather (today’s rain notwithstanding) I hope to get out on the trails with PGB and MT.  I am still trying to ride the bike again.  Another 20 pounds off and I will make an appointment with the best bike fitter in NJ, TD, at my favorite shop, Cycle Craft in Parsippany, New Jersey.  If anyone can get me comfortable on the bike again it is TD.

I WILL get back to 200-210 pounds.  Nothing else is an option.

Why do I love Cycling?

I was asked this question recently.  A chat with a friend.  Why am I so focused on Cycling when I enjoy hiking, hiking is available to me now, is safer (a debatable point) and I don’t have to torture myself trying to be able to do it again.

I think cycling means so much to me because of how I feel on the bike.  Not physically.  Emotionally, mentally.  I feel at peace.  I feel my physical self in a way I never can or have in any other physical pursuit.  This frees my mind.  I am concentrating deeply on the physical, me and the bike and the world around me.  My senses seem heightened.  I hear and see and feel more acutely.  This has the effect of freeing the mind.  No deep worries, no angst, no anxiety, no haunting.  My mind is free in a way that nothing else accomplishes.  No matter how hard the ride.  No matter the people in cars, the obstacles on the road, the weather, when I finish the ride, I am elevated.  My mind is at peace and that carries over for days.

The other part is the friends I have met.  The community of cyclists.  Sure, there are jerks to deal with, there are in every part of life.  The majority, in my experience, are good people looking to share their love of cycling.  Even the jerks become great people when we sit and talk cycling.

I haven’t found anything to fill this void in my life.  This is why I keep trying.

Peace.

Advertisement

March 16. Thoughts and Memories

Low Profile

I was in my mid-childhood that I first showed signs of depression.  That was the summer I didn’t leave the house more than a half dozen times.  I remember sitting in the living room of my family’s second floor apartment and watching the other children in the neighborhood playing.  In those days children played outside.  The neighbor’s yard was our touch football field, the street was our baseball stadium, our driveway was for playing catch.

I sat and watched.  I remember to this day the sense of not belonging.  I felt disconnected from everything.  From my family, my brothers, the other children in the neighborhood.

From then on it seemed, the moods would ebb and flow.  No one talked about depression.  I don’t ever remember that words being used about me. 

I dealt with it through high school and college, and I have lived with it my entire adult life.

I call it the Black Dog; a term I unashamedly stole from Winston Churchill. 

I learned to function.  I don’t miss work because of visits from the Black Dog.  I am able to get my job done, perform up to expectations when the Black Dog is at my side.

But it is a struggle.

The Black Dog has been visiting me for the last couple of weeks.  This is why I have been keeping a low profile.  This is why I have not been posting to this blog.  It is why I have been stuck at 258 pounds as I have struggled to not throw food on top of the depression.

I know that this too shall pass.  Like a kidney stone, it will hurt for awhile but once it is gone, the relief will be great, and the burst of energy will be welcomed.

Dealing with the Past

I miss cycling.  Still hurts to get on the bike and put pressure on my shoulder.  I am working at it, but the process has been excruciatingly slow.

I was trying to ride the trainer.  10-15 minutes was the limit.  I gave up.  With the coming of the warmer weather, I am going to try to ride outside.  Maybe the changing of directions, the loading and unloading of pressure on the shoulder, will be a better experience for me.  I’ll try.

Maybe it is time to consider a recumbent bike ☹

The Curse of a Great Memory

I remember the past to well.  I have friends and family who can barely remember events from High School or college.  They remember the big things but have lost the day-to-day stuff. 

I haven’t.  I mean it’s not like I remember every single day of college, high school, or even farther back.  I just remember much much more than most people I know.

I remember dates, people, faces, places, conversations, slights, insults, fights, pain…

I also remember joy, laughter, happy times, parties…

This is not always a positive.

I find myself haunted by the things I remember.  Anniversaries come and the pain associated with them returns.

I can remember the tone of voice, the exact words said, the pain washing over me like a torrent from a broken dam.

The type of pain that blocks out the better memories.

I need to work on that.

Coming of Spring.

I don’t much care for winter, especially now that I can’t cross-country ski (the shoulder…).  Summer is not my favorite.  Other than being able to walk around in shorts and sandals (my favorite attire), it is too hot, too humid, too uncomfortable for me.

My favorite times of years are mid to late autumn and early to mid-spring.

Spring is starting.

I am not really referring to the official spring that starts March 20 and ends June 21.

I mean the weather spring.  The emotional spring.

When the temperatures climb into the 50s and 60s with some regularity, for days at a time.  When the clear sun and fresh air breathes into me and gives me a fresher perspective.  We are there right now.  Yesterday was high 60’s and today will be mid 60s.  Tomorrow we will get some spring rain and Friday we will have sunshine and 70.

Spring.  It refreshes me.  It lifts the sprits and helps shoo the Black Dog.

It makes me feel that there are possibilities even for an older fellow like me.

Peace

Things I am Thinking About

Afraid to Ride

I don’t really know how to get over this.  Getting on the bike feels so good.  Even on the trainer.  It feels good to be on the bike on the saddle.  It feels good to start pushing the pedals.  Feels good to spin.  Then the pain starts.

The right shoulder, the one damaged when the thoughtless, carless, reckless driver hit me, starts to ache after about 15 minutes and I have to stop.  I have learned that this is a pain I cannot and should not push through.

My plan was to build up to longer times.  Start at ten or fifteen minutes and slowly build from there.  Give the shoulder a chance to adapt to the longer time on the bars.  But it is hurting like fire and the anticipation of the pain makes me not want to ride at all.  At fifteen minutes the shoulder starts to burn.  It can be as much as an hour before it settles back to the normal persistent discomfort that I have lived with for nearly five full years now.

Maybe it is time to consider a recumbent. 

Here is the thing: I LOVE riding an upright bike.  I love the feel of sweeping through a turn on an upright and all the other handling and ride sensations of an upright bike.  I have ridden recumbents.  I owned a recumbent.  They are fun but they are not an upright bike.  The sensations are different.  The feel, the view, the interaction of rider to bike is different.  I am not saying worse.  Different.  For me that difference is key.

New Car

My trusty compact hatchback suddenly got old.  Six years and nearly 130,000 trouble free miles and the car suddenly began to show signs of failure.  My car failing is something I could not risk.  I need a reliable car for work, for traveling back and forth to the family home, and everything else one needs a reliable car to do.

After much searching (car and soul) I found a four-door sedan hybrid that is just three years old and has under 19K miles.  While deciding if I should buy it, I researched whether or not my existing roof rack would fit.  It will.  Just need new feet and adapters.  Isn’t that just like a cyclist?  Figure out if the rack will fit…

Weight loss

My weight has started to move downward again.  I am now solidly in the 250’s.  I am happy about that.  Still, I have a long was to go.  Another 45 pounds or so until I am at my goal weight of 210 pounds.  I spend a good deal of time on my own.  Work has me living apart from my family.  I have to make a strong effort to not make too much food, not to overeat, not to eat the food I SWEAR I am making for lunch tomorrow…

The landmarks: 

• I have only three holes left on this belt and then it will be time to drill new holes.
• 40-inch waist pants fall to the floor one I take my belt off. (38’s don’t quite fit yet)
• Shirts are blousing on me. 
• The XXL sweatpants I just bought are WAY too big.  Sadly, I can’t return them.
• People are starting to say, “have you lost weight”?

To my eye I am still fat as a house.

I Could Use Some Warm…

Mostly I want to hike.  I really do.  I am hopeful that my friends PGB and MT will take me along on some day hikes and be patient as I drag along behind them, gasping for air.  I will also go up to the Rockefeller Preserve north of Sleep Hollow NY and walk the carriage paths.  Much easier than the trails I walk with PGB and MT.  they are a good step towards improving my fitness so the trails my friends enjoy will become trails I can enjoy as well. 

All of this requires warmer weather.  Saturday was beautiful in the morning, but I had errands to run.  Sunday the temperature bottomed out and it snowed.  Today it is in the low 20’s.  I know, I know.  Warm weather will be here soon.  I just want to get out there and walk.

And maybe?  Ride?

Peace

Photograph of a Moment

 MrMarkLS

1/24/2015

Sitting on the hill, waiting to take photographs in old style with film, sitting on the ledge looking out to the valley with a camera ready in hand.  Looking for that moment when the light would be just right, the perfection realized, sitting still up on the hill waiting for the sun to set.

Sitting in the special quiet and looking out to the distance where a bird is gliding. Sitting waiting for that perfect moment in old style with film, when the moment would be just right, nearly perfect, sky and earth one.

Sitting, now watching as the sun begins to set, sitting on that ledge, sitting as the slight chill sends a shudder along the arms.  Sitting on that ledge as the sky begins to glow a softer light, nearly perfect, nearly right.  Sitting on that hill with the old camera in hand, film is wound and shutter cocked and the light is nearly there.

Sitting on the hill with the camera at the ready, sitting watching for that moment coming soon, with the sky now orange and the clouds now fringed with light, sitting on the ledge, feet near the edge, watching for that perfect moment, that perfect light. The sun now setting in amber, the sky now perfect, the moment is now and then nothing.

Sitting on the hill, the moment passes, camera hanging from the hand, the sky was perfect, too perfect to photograph in old style on film.  The moment committed to memory where it will stay in perfect light. Now standing, now walking away from the ledge.  

Progress, Contemplations and doing this for me

Tree in Shades of Gray (Carmel by the Sea) by MrMarkLS

Getting Better…

I am finally feeling healthy.  I don’t know what I had.  Headaches.  Weakness.  Congestion.  Sore Throat.  Negative on all tests.  Not Covid.  Not Strep.  Not Flu.

After two weeks of feeling like I was hit by a bus I am feeling more like myself.  Maybe now I can get back on the trainer.  I hope so.

Weight Loss

A few months ago, I had good conversation with BP, the owner of the bike shop where once I worked.  BP, to no one’s surprise, is a passionate cyclist, extremely knowledgeable about cycling and fitness.  When I worked at the shop, I was a healthy, fit, lean 200-210 pounds.  BP knows all about the crash, knows all about what it did to me physically and psychologically.  In our conversation those few months ago, BP told me enough with the excuses.  Take the weight off and try to ride.  He is right of course.

I have been back on my good eating plan for a month now.  I have lost 18 pounds.  I am now right in the 250s.  Continuing on the path, on my journey, will get me back to 210.

My goal is 210 pounds.  I feel best at that weight.  It was my weight when I left for college (a very long time ago).

Breakfast with a friend

This past Sunday, I met with ES for breakfast at a favorite diner.  ES and I met through cycling.  Well matched as cyclists, he and his wife would often join the Sunday morning ride that I lead from the bike shop.  Then he stopped showing up.  Turns out he has been hit by a motorist in a crash that predated mine by a couple of years.  Physically, he recovered, and we went on a few rides together after he got back on the bike.

Since I moved from NJ to WV, I haven’t seen ES until this Sunday past. 

In the course of wide-ranging conversation, I asked if he had ridden much since I had last seen him three years earlier.  He said no.  One ride in 2020.  None this past year.  He said, “life is too short” and drivers are too distracted.  He would ride on bike paths, but he won’t ride on the road.  I understand. 

Drivers with their cell phones and other distractions are killing pedestrians and cyclists at record levels.  It’s frightening. 

If forced to admit it, there are really two reasons haven’t ridden.  1) the pain from the injuries.  2) the fear of being hit again.

The cold days

With apologies to my friends in New England, IT IS FREAKING COLD here in NJ.

Single digit nighttime temps and low teens in the daytime. 

It is weather like this that reminds me who old I am.  Joints stiffen.  Everything hurts. 

And yet…

I much prefer this weather to the heat and humidity of summer.  I think for me the perfect weather is the low sixties of mid-spring and mid-autumn.  I won’t complain about this cold.  I know the 99-degree days of summer are coming all too soon.

Writing

I am a writer.  That is, I write this blog and I write prose and traditional poetry.  I also have been known to write an essay or two on the world around me.  Words are important to me.  This blog and the poems I write give me a view into myself that I would not otherwise have.  It facilitates self-discovery. 

On occasion, trolls will attempt to post comments on my blog.  Years ago, one of the trolls took a very long time to write a very long comment.  The basics were that I am a fat, lazy, disgusting, worthless narcissist.  That I would think that anyone was interested in anything I had to say was proof that I am a narcissist. 

It annoyed me at the time.  Not so much the baseless insults, but rather the fact that this person, so broken as a human being, felt that anyone was interested in his insults.

Here is the truth:  If I was a narcissist my blog would not be filled with the angst of self-discovery.  I would not be writing about my failures.  I would not be looking deeply within to find why I have struggled with inner issues throughout my life.  A narcissist does not see within themselves any failures.  Failures, if they even acknowledge them, are always caused by an external influence, never by the narcissist.

Again, I find myself wondering about the motivation of someone who trolls another’s personal blog.  I assume they are sad and weak creatures who can only degrade others to compensate for their own failings.

I hope the people reading this blog get something positive from my writings, but it isn’t about that.

I am a writer.  I write.  I write for me.  I anyone gets something positive from what I write, that makes me smile.

Peace

Getting Over… Something

Headache and…

I have been dealing with something.  Not a cold.  Not the flue. Not Covid.  Something.

Symptoms? 

• HEADACHE
• Fatigue
• Congestion
• Sore throat

BUT no runny nose.  No fever. No loss of appetite.

I had one workday where I simply couldn’t get to the starting gate and called off.  It was a Friday, and I spent the weekend lying on the sofa and sleeping.

Feeling much better now but it was certainly not fun.  Several people I know reported similar symptoms and, like me, tested negative for Covid.

I was unable to spend any time on the trainer, didn’t really eat right, didn’t get any walking in…  So, the weight has stayed stagnant at 262.  I really expected to be in the 250s by now.  Grumble grumble.

Fleeting Ideas

I want to set some targets.  Not sure what those targets should be, but I am working on them.  I think I have mentioned in a previous post the idea of going to Montreal to ride in their grade cycling extravaganza.  Boston’s Hub on Wheels ride if it is held.  That would be in September.

The fleeting idea was to do the NYC 5-Boro ride in May, but I have come to recognize that I simply will not be ready for that sort of ride.  I have many pounds to lose and many hours on the trainer to ride before I will be ready for that sort of distance.

I will get some hiking in as soon as the weather warms a bit.  It has been bitter cold here.  I need temperatures to be at least low 40s Fahrenheit (between five and ten Celsius) before I am comfortable to hike.

Smaller Pants

I took a few of the 38-inch waist pants out of storage.  Optimism.  I wear a forty now.  I am really not that far from the 38s.  IT makes me think about where I was years ago.  Tight 46 – loose 48.  Them is BIG pants folks.  I think being a forty is an ok thing.

I touched on this in a prior post: by the measure of many in the weight loss world, I have been successful.  The majority of people who lose significant weight (and losing more than a third of your starting weight is significant) gain back every pound they have lost within five years.  I have been at this since December 2011.  Ten years.  I gained back a scant amount under two-thirds of the weight I lost.  I am not happy or proud that I did this but sometimes it is important to recognize that permanent weight loss is an elusive goal.  If you haven’t been there, you can’t truly understand. 

Weight loss still comes down to one simple equation: Burn more calories than you consume.  Diet and exercise.  Not a DIET.  Good eating practices. 

PEACE

Doldrums

The Weight is Stagnating

I have been holding steady at 263.4 or there abouts.  Up a couple of tenths.  Down a couple of tenths. 

Annoying but not unexpected.  I have been here before.  I will never really understand how my weight will seemingly freeze and then one morning I will wake up and the weight will have dropped two pounds, seemingly overnight.

The thing to do is to hold steady.  I don’t panic.  I keep eating the same way, the same limit on calories.  I keep doing the same things physically, the same amount of walking, the same amount of exercise.  I know it will come down.  It has to.  I give it no other options.  Eat less, Move more.

I have moved in one more hole on the belt.  The 40-waist pants fall off without the belt.  The shirts are loose.  I am not quite at the next-size-down point, but it is getting closer and closer.

I Am Not Feeling Well

I have a bit of a sore throat.  A headache just behind the eyes.  Congestion.  Some aches.  A minor cold?  These days one can’t make that assumption.  Seasonal cold or Covid-19?  So, I am going for the PCR test tonight on my way home from work.  I fully expect it to come back negative.  Can’t believe this is where we are in life. 

Haven’t been on The Trainer.

A few days since I have ridden the trainer.  Mostly because I am not feeling well.  Also, because my shoulder has been aching.  From riding?  From general use?  No idea but I could do without the pain.  The thing is, I found myself enjoying being on the trainer.  Being on the saddle again, even indoors and stationary, felt good.  I have always loved being on the bike.  I taught myself how to ride when I was eight-years old.  My father had tried to teach me.  My brothers had tried to teach me.  I couldn’t seem to get it.  I never was the most coordinated or athletic kid.  The summer after I turned eight, I dug a bike out of our basement and on two flat tires I taught myself.  After that there was no stopping me.  I went everywhere on the discount store bike my parents bought for me that summer.  The winter after I turned ten, we all got new Schwinn’s.  The eldest of us got a Varsity and we two younger boys each got a Suburban.  Mine was a beautiful blue.  10-speed.  Loved riding that bike.  Over the years I have gone back and forth.  Riding.  Not Riding.  When not riding I missed it.  I need to ride.

I have never been a particularly talented rider.  I am not all that fast, and my technique was sorely wanting.  BP, the co-owner of the shop where I worked, taught me more about technique in a couple of rides together than I had learned in 35 years of riding…

I always had good handing skills.  I just didn’t know a thing about riding in a group, gear selection, riding position…  All things I have learned now.

Now I need to get back on the bike.  Outside.  On the road.  I have to.

NI, my good friend and cycling partner has proposed a ride in Montreal this summer.  I am aiming for that.

WB, a good friend and cycling partner here in NJ has offered time and again to ride with me.  Come spring I will take him up on those offers.

Cooking for One.

I am working away from home.  It isn’t ideal but there are good reasons for it.  Missus and I are making the best of it.  There are many negatives and positives.

One of the negatives is cooking for one.  I get lazy and the temptation to simply toss a frozen entrée in the oven is strong.  Unhealthy way to eat.  I am forcing myself to eat better.  Fresh vegetables.  Light sauces.  Limit the pasta.  Limit the breads. 

Last night I roasted an acorn squash and roasted mini-potatoes and sliced sweet onions in the same pan.  I grilled a vegan sausage, squished flat as I saw down on a cooking video.  Seved it on a burger bun with the roasted onion.  I ate half of the squash and all of the eight tiny potatoes.  It made for a tasty and filling meal and came in at under 600 calories.  It was a really tasty dinner, but I prefer to cook for a larger group.

Peace

Thoughts on a Cold Day

Pedaling

Received a text from a friend and former coworker today. 

Wished me happy holidays with the requisite apology for not sending the greeting until after the holidays.  Texting back and forth about work, family, etc.  He asked if I had been successful in my efforts to get back on the bicycle.  Told him about my short spins on the trainer. 

That got me thinking.

I haven’t been back on the trainer in the last few days.  I have been thinking about the why to that.  The answer is pain. 

I am not one of those riders who hates the trainer.  When I could ride without the fear of shoulder pain, I would spend five hours a week on the trainer.  I would pedal while Missus and I watched Television.  I would start the session right at the start of some hour-long show we liked, and I would stop at the end of the closing credits.

A good sweat and an hour of 15-18 mile per hour pedaling.  It kept me in shape for the eventual arrival of cycling season.

Now I have to psyche myself up for just 15 minutes because I am in fear of the shoulder pain.

I have to overcome that.

Eating

I slipped a little on the wagon today.  Gave in and ate a bagel and cream cheese at work today.  This was after a proper breakfast of cereal, banana and 2% fat Lactaid milk.  Not smart.  I have looked at the rest of my day eating and by shaving back here and there I will be able to come in at or below my calorie target, but I am not pleased with myself.  Rationalizations are not the way to get fit.

I am ten pounds down on the goal of losing sixty-five pounds.  I won’t get there if I give into such temptations. 

Enjoying the cold

I know I am somewhat strange in this way, but I love deep cold.  It was 14 degrees this morning.  I love it.  It will be colder tonight.  I am thrilled.  I have hiked and ridden my bike in sub-20-degree weather.  I take the proper precautions, but I do get out and enjoy.  Before my shoulder was damaged, I enjoyed cross country skiing.  I wasn’t good at it, mind you.  I shuffled more than skied.  I would shuffle around the course, work up a good sweat, enjoy the crisp air, the bite of the cold, the incredible light of sun on snow, and then I would ski back to the lodge and sip hot coco sitting at the warm fire of the round fireplace.  My shoulder can’t tolerate the pushing of the poles now so that is an activity that is behind me.  Still, I do enjoy the cold.  Maybe a hike this weekend?  Have to check with some friends and see if they are game…

I will ride the trainer tonight

I will ride the trainer tonight.  I will swallow the fear (the shoulder just sent out a warning pain just at the thought of it).  I have been riding for 10-15 minutes; just until the shoulder starts to seem like it may start to hurt.  I hope to build up the shoulder in this way.  I hope I will be able to ride a little longer over time and eventually be able to ride an hour or more without significant shoulder discomfort.

I won’t get there, and I won’t know if I can get there, if I don’t get on the trainer.

Why don’t I have surgery?

The single question I am asked most when the subject of my damaged shoulder comes up: why don’t I have surgery?

I have been to between 8 and 10 orthopedic surgeons.  Only one supported surgery and that Doctor said there was a 70% chance of improvement.  The remaining 30% could be no improvement or further deterioration of function and an increase in pain.  I am not comfortable with those odds.  The damage is what it is.  I have to learn to adapt. 

A grade three separation of the AC is not the worst thing in the world.  It has, however, altered my world.

I’ll let ya all know how the time on the trainer progresses.

PEACE

A Few Days for Introspection

Didn’t post anything yesterday.  Or the day before.

I have been busy at work and tired when I get home.  I also wanted to think about what I want to post.  How much do I want to share?

When I first launched this blog way way way back (TEN YEARS!!!), I was well received, developed a pretty good following and I won a few awards.  It felt great.  Writing the blog had been a tremendous piece of therapy for me.  I looked deep inside to understand why I overate and ballooned to 320 pounds (my peak) and what were the keys to this self-destructive behavior so I could begin to get past them.

Listen, it isn’t easy stripping naked in front of a thousand strangers, but the support was affirming. 

Then came the trolls.

That was a shock.  Nasty comments.  Vile language.  Insults.  Body Shaming.  I was called things I wouldn’t call anyone, especially not a stranger writing about a difficult and painful journey.

I had to set the blog up with post approval so I could catch these comments before they went on the blog.  Disheartening.  Very disheartening.

Still, I kept writing.

I expect some of the trolls will come out from their dank and putrid lairs and again attempt to hurt and belittle.  And as I did before I will delete and block them and continue to write. 

I guess I will open myself up as I did ten years ago.  I don’t suppose I know any other way to be.

Thank you for stopping by.

Please, comment.  I appreciate the encouragement and I appreciate well-reasoned and well worded critiques.

With your support I know I will be able to stay on this path.

I won’t be posting for the next few days as I will be away from a computer until Sunday.  I’ll see ya when I get back

Thank you

Peace

Another Day

Me again.

Yesterday was another day of lots of walking at work and a few minutes on the trainer. 

I feel OK.  The shoulder seemed to tolerate the trainer session better yesterday than it did Sunday.  This is a good thing.  I am hopeful that short sessions on the trainer, slowly building up to longer sessions, will help build up the shoulder and help adapt to the reality that there are no ligaments in the shoulder.  Maybe I will be able to ride with minimal pain.  That’s the hope…

I was gratified to see so much traffic on my blog after my post yesterday.  Thank you to all who stopped by.

I was 50-years old when I started this journey.  I am 60 now.  The reality is that I will not likely be able to reach the performance levels I reached in 2012.  Still, I am going to aim for the highest level I can.  A friend posted that her cycling goal for this year is 2022 miles and her first century ride.  I like that goal.  I am not sure I will be able to ride more than 15 minutes at a time, so I am not going to set a mile goal for this year.  I will set a weight goal instead.  210 pounds by August 1, 2022.  I was 274 pounds on December 29, 2021.  I believe I can lose the 64 pounds by August 1.  I was 264.8 this morning.

Already, I can feel the weight-loss.  I have moved in a hole on the belt, the pants are feeling a bit looser, climbing stairs seems a touch easier…  Some of that is actual physical change.  Some of that is psychological.  Don’t discount the value of changes that are purely psychological.  Those changes, maybe even more than the actually physical changes, are what keep you going, help you turn away from that slice of pizza or bagel with cream cheese after you have already had breakfast.

I feel a similar excitement about this refreshed Journey as I did when I started in December of 2011.  I am looking forward to a winter hike or two with PGB and MT, much as we three hiked in 2012.  I remember so well the exhilaration of cresting the mountain.  I wasn’t winded.  I wasn’t hurting.  I was THRILLED!!  I will be there again. 

Cold Weather hike, November 2012

I hope PGB and MT are available for a hike.  In these times of Covid, nothing is for certain.

I am enjoying thinking about food in a more positive way.  What do I mean by that?

Well, when I was off the plan I was just eating.  What’s in the fridge, what’s quick, what’s filling.  I love to cook but I wasn’t really cooking.  I was heating and eating.  Now I am thinking about the meals.  What will meet my nutritional needs while still being tasty and fitting within my calorie plan.  Last night I had a serving of a stuffed vegan loaf.  Tasty.  I had a bowl of lentil soup with vegan meatballs and a small portion of Cole slaw and potato salad.  Filling.  Tasty. 650 calories.  I probably would have had more than double that two weeks ago.  Now I plan and execute on the plan.  Lunch today will be the left-over soup with the vegan meat balls.  I also have three 50 calorie cups of applesauce in my lunch bag. 

The point is, I am engaged.

Thank you for reading

Peace